Suppressing Memories
by cc1989
Summary: Olivia can't stop thinking about Alex. She tries to suppress her memories with a night spent with an FBI agent, Lauren Cooper. References to the episodes Signature, Loss, Ghost.
1. Chapter 1

Suppressing Memories

**A/N**  
><strong>Spoilers to signature season 9, loss season 4, ghost season 6<br>Right now the rating is T, will get to M in the next chapter.  
>This is my first SVU fanfic. Second fanfic overall.<br>I'm a big Olivia/Alex fan, just so you know, and I plan on writing some more A/O stories in the future, but this episode, Signature, gave me weird inspiration. Let me know if you like it.**  
><strong>Oh. And Dick Wolf owns all this. <strong>

Chapter 1

Olivia stepped over fallen limbs and branches, breathing in the fall air. Another dead body. She arrived at the scene and brushed her hair out of her eyes. She wondered absently how things are going with Munch and Elliot in Montreal. She saw Dr. Warner hunched over the body of woman. A dead man lay nearby.  
>"What do we got, Melinda?"<br>"The park grounds keeper got an email reporting a dead dog and came out to take care of it. This is what he found. Two dead bodies. First one, female with multiple ligature marks around the neck and burns on the both areolae and labia."

A voice from behind her startled Olivia.  
>"She was probably tied up with an extension cord and then burned with the exposed tips. This guy rapes his victims with foreign objects and then puts buckets over their heads to drown them. "<br>Olivia looked at the blonde woman, giving her the once over and deciding immediately that she didn't like her. She was beautiful, sure, and maybe she was nice, but Olivia didn't know yet and didn't care. It was always difficult to have people from other departments step on your toes and invade your investigations.  
>"And who are you?" asked Olivia with a raised eyebrow.<br>"Agent Lauren Cooper, FBI. I'm with the behavioral analysis unit."  
>"Ah. Detective Olivia Benson. I haven't filed my sixty-one yet, how did you know about this?"<p>

Melinda broke in to say that she entered the type of death into the FBI database and it matched a serial killer's M.O.  
>"Agent Cooper here has been trailing this guy all the way up from Georgia," said Melinda.<br>Cooper nodded. "They've started calling him The Woodsman, since he dumps his bodies in secluded parts of the woods."  
>"Ok," said Olivia. "So what about our second D.B.? Does he usually do men?"<p>

"No, but he has been known to have two women at a time, he likes to double his fun and have one watch and listen while he tortures the other. Dr. Warner here thinks this guy probably stumbled on our guy dumping the body. He died of a gunshot wound and has been dead about 12 hours. She's been dead about 24."  
>"Ok, so we've got a Jane Doe and a John Doe, anything else?"<br>"Yeah. This guy likes to watch the body he dumped from a higher point."  
>"And why is that?"<br>"He thinks he's God."

While Agent Cooper walked slowly around the bodies studying them. Olivia watched her, evaluating her, sizing her up. _She's certainly focused. Knows everything there is to know about this serial killer. And she's smart. And she's reminding me too much of Alex._

She let her mind drift off to thoughts of her lost lover. Wonderful moments spent together, moments that had become memories much too soon.  
>After flirting endlessly with one another at work, Alex was finally gutsy enough to ask Olivia on a date. An actual date, not an outing with the guys, and not an evening spent at the local cop bar. From there they had become lovers and had slowly fallen in love. Olivia had even been thinking about giving up her apartment to move in with Alex when everything with Velez and the drug world turned their lives upside down.<p>

Alex had been shot. She had pushed too far trying to bring down a powerful drug lord. Velez had a hit man gun her down right before Olivia's eyes. And on the day before her 'funeral', she had told Olivia and Elliot goodbye, leaving for the witness protection program.

Olivia was heartbroken. She tried to move on with her life, but still held out on waiting for Alex to someday return.  
>She couldn't date. She couldn't sleep at night. She was a mess and if her mother hadn't been an alcoholic, she might have turned to drinking to help her forget. She was stuck, sober, with the memories and the wishful, hopeful thoughts that kept Alex on her mind.<p>

When she finally did return, it was unexpected and didn't turn out the way Olivia had hoped. Two years after Alex was whisked away, she came back, suddenly, briefly, to testify against Liam Connors, the man who had shot her. Seeing Alex for that short time was wonderful, like having her back for good. But when Olivia came over to stay the night with Alex, to protect her again, Alex told her about her life in the witness protection program. As she spoke, Olivia's world seemed to crumble. Again.

Apparently Alex had been seeing a man that she worked with, and he whispered her name at night. Emily. That was her witness protection name. It ripped Olivia apart to hear Alex talk about her other life, the one Olivia had no part in, but she held in her emotions, listening quietly to her former lover. Her face fell only slightly when she heard Alex describe this man.  
>"It must have been hard to pretend to be someone you're not," she said quietly, looking out Alex's window at the surrounding buildings.<p>

"Hold me," Alex said quietly as they laid in bed together.

And she did. She held Alex in her arms that night, wishing things could go back to the way they were, but knowing they might never be the same again. Alex was the same, still the fierce woman who thought like a prosecutor, she wouldn't take no for an answer. _And she was so brave_, thought Olivia, _to stand up to this man when she knew she was risking her life again_. But how could things go back to normal when she had been gone two years, she had lived a completely different life. She wondered if Alex still felt anything for her; she didn't have the courage to ask. She was too afraid to hear that Alex had moved on.

Later that night, Alex's back was nestled up against Olivia's front, Olivia had her arm draped around Alex's stomach, just like they used to sleep. They seemed to fall so easily back into their own habits. When she thought Alex was asleep, Olivia leaned over Alex's shoulder and whispered in her ear, hoping she might hear her voice in her dreams, "I'm still in love with you. I've thought of you every day you've been gone." Alex wasn't asleep. She turned in Olivia's arms and faced her. Alex rested her hand on the side Olivia's face, caressing it gently. She kissed Olivia's forehead and kissed her cheek and finally kissed her gently on the lips.  
>"Liv, I imagine that it's you holding me just like this every single night. I still love you too. Forever."<br>A tear rolled down Olivia's face, and Alex reached up with a gentle finger to wipe it away. 

* * *

><p>When the verdict came back the next day during Liam Connors trial, he was found guilty on all charges and Alex finally had her retribution. Olivia was overjoyed. She, and everyone else on the squad thought Alex could return. They could celebrate and get to know each other again. Olivia couldn't wait to start again with her. But when Agent Hammond came in the door to Cragen's office as they opened bottles of champagne to celebrate, he gave them the news.<p>

Cabot and Antonio Montoya were given new identities and moved immediately. Olivia was heartbroken again. She didn't even say goodbye in person this time. How was her heart going to get over a second loss? When everyone eventually left the office, Elliot held her as she tried to hold in her tears.  
>_<p>

Agent Cooper ripped Olivia from her thoughts.  
>"Detective Benson, you ready to go back to the station? We're done with the crime scene."<br>"Uh.. yeah let's go."  
>_<p>

Back at the station, the team was talking about the case.  
>Captain Cragen asked about the source of the information leading the authorities to the bodies in the park.<br>Detective Benson pointed to the bulletin board at a map of Central Park. "Apparently, the park authority received an anonymous email that there was dead dog in this area."  
>"Ok," said Cragen, "So is there any way we can figure out where this email came from?"<br>"Yeah. I'll get on that right now," said Detective Lake.  
>"And what all do we know about this guy that relates him to your cases Agent Cooper?"<br>"He dumps the bodies in remote wooded areas, he rapes with foreign objects, tortures and burns his victims, and finally ends it with dry drowning. He puts a hood over their heads and pours water over them."  
>Cooper pointed out the different locations throughout the eastern United States that the Woodsman had dumped his bodies.<p>

Olivia still felt a little standoffish to Lauren. Watching her, she was reminded all of the sudden of Alex, stalking around the squad room, just like Lauren was currently doing. Her stomach dropped at the thought of her. She tried so hard to keep Alex out of her thoughts. Losing Alex had hurt her so deeply. Why did Velez have to come along and rip Alex from her life? Why? It was so unfair. She was incomplete without her.

Since Alex's 'death', she hadn't been in a meaningful relationship with anyone, male or female. She'd dated a couple of people, but her heart wasn't in it anymore. She couldn't help but compare them to Alex. In bed, she could only think of Alex, imagined that it was Alex kissing her neck, Alex running her hands lightly down her back, Alex bringing her to a climax. And even when she did come, it wasn't as powerful as it used to be. Perhaps it wasn't fair to the people she was with, but she didn't care. She fell asleep believing Alex was in her arms again. In the morning however, it was always someone else. And that person never measured up.  
>Lauren certainly did look a bit like Alex, a blonde with piercing blue eyes. A strong woman who wasn't afraid to go after what she wanted. She would do for tonight, wouldn't she?<p>

They didn't come across any new evidence that evening. Olivia looked around the squad room. Munch had his feet up on his desk, reading a report. Yawning at his desk, Fin started to stack up his papers and got ready to leave. Munch looked over at him, made some snide remark Olivia couldn't hear, and tossed his papers to his desk. They both picked up their jackets. "Well ladies, its 'bout time for me to get the hell home," Fin said tiredly. Munch nodded his head, "Me too."

Lauren was still diligently studying the connections between victims over by the bulletin board; she didn't look over at them, just waved her hand in their general direction. She didn't look a bit tired. Olivia felt pretty good herself, and as it was getting close to 8 o'clock, she decided to call it a day. "All right guys, see you tomorrow morning. "

Olivia walked over to the bulletin board. "Hey, it's getting late and we've been at this all day. What do you say we call it a day and grab a couple drinks down at O'Malley's?"  
>Lauren turned to look at her. She smiled and looked up and down Olivia's body, not even trying to hide the fact that she was unabashedly checking her out. Olivia appreciated the attention, but something threw her off guard. Lauren's smile didn't extend to her eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes that reminded her painfully of Alex were cold and empty.<p>

"Thanks, Olivia. But I think I'd like to stay up here a bit longer and try and work out some different scenarios on our guy."  
><em>Well, I should've known. She's definitely more into the case than she is into me.<em>

"Oh. No problem. ." said Olivia. "Maybe some other time, then."  
>"Maybe so, " Lauren said with another smile.<p>

So Olivia went home alone. She had been mentally going over her plan for the evening with Lauren and was a bit surprised when she was rejected by the blonde. She laughed bitterly at herself for being overconfident as she closed the door to her car and crossed the street to her apartment building. Walking past her doorman, he raised an eyebrow at her. She could read his mind.  
><em>What? No one-night stand this time?<em>  
>She smiled at him and shrugged her shoulders.<br>_Sometimes even the best of us strike out_, she thought.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The next day, Olivia showed up at the squad room five minutes early. Agent Cooper was already there. She looked a little tired, but not like she had stayed up all night. Olivia brought coffee and doughnuts for everyone. They looked grateful for the caffeine and sugar rush.

Dr. George Huang sat in the squad room, staring at the computer. He had headphones on and was listening to an audio recording on the Woodsman's profile. His brow was furrowed. There was too much missing. The profile wasn't complete and he couldn't figure out why. This Dr. Carl Tillman, the original FBI agent on the case, he was supposed to be good. He was supposed to be an FBI agent who took care of his business. Huang had heard about what happened though. Dr. Tillman had become obsessed with the case. He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and he eventually deteriorated to a breaking point. Dr. Tillman shot himself and the case was passed on to Agent Cooper.

So as for the inconsistencies in the case, Huang eventually came to the conclusion that Dr. Tillman's declining mental health was the cause.

Detective Lake was also hard at work picking apart surveillance tapes on the internet café where the email originated. He was naturally having a difficult time discerning who anyone was coming out of the café. He had the timestamp on the email, but hadn't been able to get a clear picture on anyone yet.

Dr. Huang paused the audio recording he was listening to and asked Lauren about her mentor, Dr. Tillman.  
>"Agent Cooper, can you tell me anything more about Dr. Tillman? Maybe there was one victim in particular that the Woodsman killed that sent him over the edge? Why did he do it?"<br>Agent Cooper suddenly became cold.  
>"If I knew that something was bothering him, I would have done something to stop him."<br>Huang didn't push any further. He realized he had hit a sensitive spot for Lauren.

Detective Lake and Benson exchanged a glance. _Wow. That was intense, _thought Olivia.

Cragen walked in the squad room, he had been in his office answering a phone call.  
>"That was Warner," he said. "We've got the Woodsman."<br>Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at him in surprise.  
>"We've got a match between our Woodsman and our John Doe from the crime scene."<p>

"Ok, so our John Doe is the Woodsman. That's a twist. So what do we know about him?" asked Olivia.  
>"He's a park ranger. Name's Larry Moore. Here's his address." Cragen handed her a sheet of paper. "That must be how he had access to all these deserted areas. Detective Benson, Agent Cooper, I want you to give his apartment a visit. See what you can find. It's possible based on what Cooper told us about him often having two victims at a time, that there's another live victim out there somewhere."<p>

Benson and Cooper made their way through traffic to visit the Woodsman's apartment. They had looked over Moore's file before they left the station. He had sporadic arrest record. Petty theft, aggravated assault, possession of stolen property.  
>Once inside, Cooper started tearing through the apartment. Olivia watched her for a second, thinking that she was throwing stuff rather aimlessly. She got to work, though, looking through papers on Moore's desk. She thought she would try again to find out why Dr. Tillman killed himself.<br>"So why did he do it, do you think?" she asked Cooper.  
>"Who? The Woodsman?"<br>"No, Dr. Tillman. Why did he kill himself?"  
>"Why does any cop eat his gun?" she answered angrily, throwing Moore's books all over the floor. She softened a bit as she remembered into the earlier years of her life. "I was an orphan, raised in a group home. He recruited me during my junior year of college. I was top of my class, criminal justice, and he thought I would be a good candidate to help and take over from him. Working with him was like actually having a father, you know?"<p>

Olivia looked down. Remembering her own childhood with no father and barely a mother was not one of her favorite things to do. Her mother could scarcely look at her without being reminded of the man who raped her.  
>"No, I don't," she answered quietly.<p>

"So the job is your family?" asked Lauren. "Yeah," said Olivia. Not saying anything else, she did what she always had done, shut everyone out. She tried to never reveal her emotions, tried to keep people at a distance. She knew that if she let anyone get too close, she would get hurt. Just like she had with Alex.

Olivia moved a stack of papers from Moore's desk. She found a set of keys; the plastic label read: Boathouse.

"Found something. He could be hiding a victim in here."  
>"All right. Let's go back to the station, try to figure out where this boathouse might be."<br>_

* * *

><p>As they went over a box of evidence from Moore's apartment, Detective Lake came across a photograph. It was the only indication that Moore had any family at all. It was a picture of an older woman, his mother or some other sort of relative maybe. Lake turned the picture over and looked at the back. <em>Aunt Betty.<em>

After a search on driver's licenses with the name Betty Moore, they got an address.  
>Benson and Cooper drove out to Queens to question her about her nephew.<p>

They got out of the car and walked up to the quaint little house in a fairly nice neighborhood. Benson knocked on the door. A short, elderly woman with a kind face answered.  
>"Hello, can I help you?"<br>"Hi, yes, I'm Detective Benson and this is FBI Agent Cooper. We're here about your nephew, Larry."  
>"Oh," she said, looking down. "Won't you come in?"<br>They followed her into the house and upon her invitation, they sat down on the couch, facing her armchair.  
>"What has my Larry got himself into this time?"<br>Detective Benson gave Cooper a sideways glance.  
>"Ms. Moore, we're sorry to tell you this, but your nephew has passed away."<br>She raised a hand to her mouth, eyes downcast, shaking her head slowly.  
>"That poor lost boy," she said. "I knew this day was coming. He was always getting himself into all sorts of trouble."<br>"Ms. Moore, we're in the middle of a murder investigation involving your nephew. We have just a few questions for you."  
>"Yes, of course. I'd like to help any way that I can. Has Larry hurt someone?"<br>"We think he might have, yes. And we also think he might have a woman locked away somewhere, holding her hostage."  
>"Oh dear."<br>"Yes, so is there any place in particular that Larry spent a lot of time? Did he have another house?"  
>"No, he didn't have another house. But he did have a boathouse down in the harbor. He spent the majority of his time there. He used to love listening to the sounds of boats going past."<br>"Ok perfect," said Cooper. "If we could just get that address, we'll let you get back to your day."

They called for backup as soon as they left Ms. Moore's house.  
>"Fin," said Olivia into the phone. "I need you to get a crew together and meet us at West 79th street and the Hudson River. We've got his boathouse and he might have a girl hidden there."<p>

Sirens wailed, and cars pulled over to the side of the road as they rushed back into Manhattan. They flew through red lights, narrowly missing several cars pulling out in front of them. Benson swerved and weaved through traffic. She glanced over at Lauren; the slightly reckless driving didn't seem to faze her at all. She sat there with a neutral expression on her face, quietly holding on to the handle above the window.

When they finally reached the Hudson River, Cooper pointed out a deserted-looking boathouse off to the right of the road. Olivia drove to it, squad cars pulling in behind her. She and Cooper hurried to the door of the boathouse.

"Ok," she said, slightly out of breath. "Now we have a problem. Doors closed, locked. We need a way in."  
>Fin looked over at her, "Lake said he was workin' on gettin' keys."<br>"You know what?" said Benson. "I'd rather ask for forgiveness than permission."  
>And with that, she signaled to the guys with the battering ram to bust the door down. The double doors burst open with a BANG.<p>

Benson and Cooper ran inside and scanned the barn-like space. There was no one around. Cooper spied a door on the left and nudged Olivia towards it. They went to it and opened the door. Inside the room was a large wooden crate in the center. Olivia sprinted towards it and tried to pry off the top. It was nailed on and stuck. She could hear rustling coming from beneath the lid. _Someone is in there, _she thought to herself. She spied a crowbar on the workbench and lunged to grab it. Prying the lid off of the crate, she and Cooper threw back the lid.

A woman lay in the bottom, mostly naked, bruised and obviously bewildered. But she was alive. She had duct tape over her mouth and started squirming as soon as daylight hit her eyes. Cooper moved to rip the tape off of her, but Benson grabbed her arm.  
>"No! We need to wait for the EMTs to put a solution on it so that the skin doesn't rip off."<p>

Lauren seemed to panic; she wanted to free the woman from her bonds. Her hands and feet were tied with ropes and she had electrical burns all over her body. She grabbed a scalpel from the table nearby and moved to cut the woman's bonds.

The woman saw the knife and freaked out. Her eyes grew wide and she screamed from beneath the duct tape. Olivia turned to see what the fuss was about, and when she saw what Cooper was attempting to do, she grabbed Lauren's hand and pushed her away.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? She's traumatized!"

Cooper shook her head and backed away. She couldn't handle live victims like this. It was too much.

* * *

><p>At the hospital, Olivia and Lauren waited outside in the waiting room until a doctor came around the corner and caught their eye.<br>They stood up and he walked over to them.  
>"Officers," he acknowledged them.<br>"Doctor, how is she doing?"  
>"She's been through a lot. Extensive head trauma, some internal bleeding. She's stable right now, though, so you can see her."<p>

They followed him down the hall and into the room where the woman was staying. With no idea who she was, it was important for them to try and ask her about her identity.  
>She looked terrible, still bruised and beaten. Her skin was pale and almost ghost-like. Her dark hair was matted against her head; she looked like she hadn't bathed in about a week.<p>

Lauren held back, still wary of the woman after what happened down at the docks. But Olivia made her way to the bed. She gently caressed the woman's face. _Poor thing_, she thought. _What happened to you?_  
>She leaned in to the woman and asked her, "What's your name, honey?"<p>

The girl stirred a bit. She opened her eyes, hardly seeing Olivia. "Amy," she managed to whisper in a dry voice.  
>"Amy, honey, what happened to you?"<p>

But the girl didn't respond. She fell back into her fitful sleep. Benson and a nurse proceeded to get a rape kit from the woman. Lauren had to leave the room.  
>When they were finished, Olivia and Lauren made their way back to the station. They still needed to figure out if there were any leads on who the mysterious email sender was.<p>

Detective Lake was still waiting on the higher resolution photographs he had picked through to come back from the tech lab. The identity of the sender was somewhere in those photographs. Their lead in the murder of the Woodsman was there too.

Benson's phone rang as she sat at her desk. Lauren sat in her rolling chair next to Olivia; they had been talking about working in homicide vs. the special victims unit.  
>"Benson," she said into the phone. She listened to the person on the other end. "I see. Ok thank you. Goodbye." She shut her phone and looked at Lauren.<p>

"Amy died about 10 minutes ago."  
>"Shit," Lauren said, burying her head in her hands.<br>Olivia ran her hand in comforting circles on Lauren's back.  
><em>She'll be alright, <em>Olivia thought. _It's always tough at the beginning._

Later that night, the rest of the team had gone home already. Benson was working on closing a few open cases, finishing up her paperwork. Lauren was seated in a rolling chair, reading through a file. Every now and then she would roll across the floor to the bulletin board, check a fact, and then roll back over towards Olivia's desk. She seemed to be in a much better mood considering all that had happened that day. After about the fourth time Lauren had rolled back over to her desk, Olivia was growing annoyed.  
>"Agent Cooper, can you sit still for longer than five minutes?"<br>Lauren looked at her with wide, innocent eyes, eyes that had begun to drive Olivia a little bit wild.  
>"Certainly Detective."<br>With that, she stood up and pushed her rolling chair away and it rolled across the floor and thudded into Munch's desk across the room. She sat down on the edge of Olivia's desk and folded her arms.  
>"Better?"<br>_Shit. Alex's favorite place to sit. It never failed to turn me on.  
><em>Olivia caught herself looking up and down Lauren's body. Her desire had overcome her bad memories for the moment._  
><em>"Uhhmm.. " she was lost for words for a moment. "Yeah. That's better."

"You know what, Detective? I think I'll take you up on that drink offer from last night. Let's get out of here."  
>"Actually, I'm not really in the mood for the bar scene tonight." Agent Cooper's face fell and she looked at the floor.<br>Olivia reached out and rested her hand on Lauren's thigh as she stood up. "Let's go to my place instead."

Lauren smiled as she also stood and allowed Olivia to lead her out of the squad room and towards the parking lot.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N  
>Ok, here's another update. I've got one more chapter to wrap the story up after this one.<br>But this part of the story is different than the others. It's got some lighthearted fun and some sexy time.  
>Hope you enjoy.<br>Once again, I don't own SVU, Dick Wolf does. And I'm not the one making money off of it.**

Chapter 3

The car ride to Olivia's apartment was filled with fleeting eye contact and slightly awkward conversation. They both knew what was going to take place that night, but neither had verbally acknowledged it yet.

Having finally reached her apartment complex, they got out of the car and entered the lobby. Olivia made eye contact with the doorman on their way past; he winked at her and smiled as she passed and she flashed him her own lopsided grin.

Olivia unlocked her apartment as Lauren leaned against the door frame, her eyes studying Olivia's face. Olivia looked over at her as she pushed open the door and held her left arm out. "After you," she said.  
>"Such a gentleman," Lauren said with a chuckle.<br>Lauren looked around. It was small but furnished tastefully; Olivia obviously had style and a taste for good photography. Lauren stopped to look at some of the photographs hanging on her wall. Several of them were of different places in New York, and a few were of a beautiful blonde woman. Those in particular were breathtaking photos, some in black in white, some in sepia, some in color. Obviously this woman meant a lot to Olivia. The pictures showed the woman in Central Park and on Times Square at night and at Coney Island in the summer. Could be a sister, could be an ex-girlfriend. Lauren decided against asking Olivia about her; she wanted tonight to be about them, no one else.

Olivia saw her gazing at the pictures but said nothing about it; instead she handed Lauren an ice and liquid-filled glass. Her photographs were some of the only reminders she had of Alex. Sometimes they were painful reminders of what she had lost, but most of the time she enjoyed the happy, nostalgic feelings they gave her.  
>"House specialty," said Olivia.<br>"Mmm, looks good, what is it?"  
>"Gin gimlet, my favorite. Hope you like gin; if not, I've got whiskey and beer."<br>"No, no, this is fine," she took a sip. "It's very good, thank you."  
>"No problem," said Olivia as she sat down on a kitchen barstool.<p>

Lauren walked over to Olivia's entertainment system and looked over Olivia's things.  
>"No way! You've got a Wii? I never figured you for the gaming type," Lauren exclaimed, pulling open the cabinet and looking at Olivia's games.<br>Olivia smiled at the sight of Lauren looking so much like a little kid on Christmas.  
>"Do you want to play?"<br>"Hell yes, I want to play. Right after you make me another drink! Do you have any of those dancing games?"  
>"Ok, you got it. And yes I do. Put one of them in, doesn't matter which one, they're all fun."<br>"I love this song! I haven't heard it in forever."  
>Olivia laughed as she brought Lauren and herself another drink. The sounds of Baha Men's Who Let the Dogs Out started thumping out of the speakers. "Oh boy," she said, sitting down on the couch.<br>"Oh no you don't, Olivia. You're dancing with me."  
>Olivia groaned but allowed herself to be dragged off the couch in front of the TV. They tried their best to follow the dance moves but ended up looking like complete idiots. It was hilarious, however, and when the song finally ended, they were both out of breath from laughing so hard. They danced to several other songs, trying to beat each other's scores. U Can't Touch This, Ring My Bell, and Le Freak came on and the hilarity and drinking continued. When Lauren selected Womanizer as the next song, she muttered, "perfect," under her breath and Olivia gave her a sideways glance.<p>

"Womanizer, huh?" she asked. "Is that what you think I am?"  
>"Judging by the look on that doorman's face, yeah, I do think you bring home people every now and then. The question is, though, what do you prefer? Women or men?<p>

Olivia didn't answer. She unstrapped the controller from her wrist and set it on the coffee table. She handed Lauren her glass and walked over to the stereo.  
>"Why don't you get us another drink and I'll find us something else to dance to," she said.<br>Lauren didn't say anything in return; she took the glasses and walked into the kitchen, refilling them with the gin and lime mixture. When she returned, Olivia was kicking off her shoes and searching through some CDs. "So. What kind of music do you like, Agent Cooper?"  
>"That depends on what mood I'm in, Detective."<br>"And what mood are you in tonight?"  
>"Right now I'm in the mood for something slow and sensual."<p>

Olivia selected a CD and put it in the stereo. A song foreign to Lauren's ears came out of the speakers. It was slow and melodic, with a rhythm that immediately reminded them both of methodical love making. It was primitive and raw, and Lauren didn't feel so much like dancing anymore.  
>"What is this song?" asked Lauren as she made her way to the window.<br>"It's 'Angel' by Massive Attack," replied Olivia.

Lauren stood in front of the window with her glass in her hand, taking periodic sips when Olivia came up behind her. Olivia reached around and took Lauren's glass from her and set it on the side table. She slowly put her hands on Lauren's hips, sliding them around to her stomach as she pushed her body gently up against Lauren's. Olivia enjoyed the feel of the blonde's body; she could feel the defined stomach muscles beneath the shirt. She rested her chin on Lauren's shoulder, breathing in the smell of her shampoo. It smelled expensive, like something Alex would use. In her head, she began her ritual of pretending the person she was with was actually Alex. In her alcohol soaked mind, she saw Lauren's face become Alex's. Maybe this meant she was crazy. But she didn't care.

"Do you like the song?" whispered Olivia.  
>She could feel Alex shiver when her breath tickled her sensitive ear.<br>"Yes, I do. It's absolutely carnal. It makes me want to rip your clothes off and make love to you right here on the floor."  
>Olivia's breath caught in her throat. A rush of arousal coursed through her, seeping into her fingertips and rushing to cloud her brain. <em>Wasn't quite expecting THAT as an answer.<em>  
>Alex tilted her head to the side, allowing Olivia access to her slender, pale throat. Olivia obliged, kissing from her ear down to where her neck met her shoulders. When her lips arrived at the juncture, she bit down softly on the muscle, testing the waters. She heard Alex take in a sharp breath. Olivia groaned softly. And before she knew what was happening, Alex had turned on her.<p>

Alex pushed her up against the wall next to the window; their hands intertwined and she pinned Olivia, pressing their bodies together. Alex ran her mouth along Olivia's jawline, not kissing it, just breathing softly as she teased her. She made her way up to Olivia's ear, kissing it gently and easing her tongue into it. Olivia moaned at the sensation, and she wrapped her hands around Alex's waist, pulling her closer. She couldn't take it anymore, Olivia needed her, needed her so much she felt her desire almost overcome her. Her hands came up to either side of Alex's face and she looked into her beautiful blue eyes. Those eyes that she missed seeing every day. Olivia's dark eyes were dilated and filled with lust. Alex leaned in and closed the distance between them. When their lips met, it felt like their first time all over again. Chills ran up and down Olivia's spine and butterflies danced in her stomach as their kiss deepened.  
><em>If I don't slow down, I won't even make it to the bedroom,<em> Olivia thought to herself.

She pulled away from Alex and sighed. "Let's go to bed."  
>Alex nodded and allowed herself to be led down the hall to Olivia's bedroom.<p>

Olivia turned when she reached the bed and pushed Alex gently down on it. She climbed on top of Alex and kissed her. She ran her hands up Alex's body, caressing her breasts through the material of her shirt. Alex squeezed Olivia's ass through her jeans, pulling her closer, pressing their pelvic bones together. They ground against each other and Olivia gasped at the contact that she needed so desperately.

Olivia needed to feel Alex's naked body against her own. She grabbed Alex by the wrists and pushed them into the bed, trapping her arms above her head. Olivia continued to explore Alex's mouth while she unbuckled Alex's belt and unzipped her pants, struggling to push them off. She stopped kissing long enough to move herself down Alex's body to completely remove her pants. Once she had pushed them completely off of Alex's legs, she slowly made her way back up her body, pausing at Alex's shirt. She pulled it up and Alex sat up to help her remove the item. Alex wanted her own turn to undress Olivia and she continued to sit up as she helped Olivia to pull her own shirt up and over her head. Olivia impatiently took off her own bra and reached around to remove Alex's as well.

She pushed Alex back on the bed and pressed their breasts together, a sensation that felt incredible to her. Her mouth trailed a line of hot kisses down Alex's neck to her breasts, taking one in her mouth and sucking on the nipple. Alex moaned and moved her hips to try and find some friction from Olivia's legs. Olivia almost came when Alex's leg came into contact with her overly sensitive center. She shifted herself, trying to hold back her need for release. She returned her attention to the nipple in front of her, bringing it into her mouth and flicking her tongue across it, sending incredible sensations straight to Alex's center. She needed release almost as much as Olivia at that point.

"Liv," she whispered to the dark figure above her. "I need you inside me."

Olivia didn't hesitate when her lover asked for what she needed. She pulled off Alex's panties and hurried to take off her own jeans and underwear. She brought herself back up to kiss Alex's neck. As she caressed her soft skin with her tongue, Olivia ran her hand down Alex's body. Her hand passed over Alex's mound, slipping it into her folds. She was so wet, so ready. Her fingers passed over Alex's clit on their way to their destination, and Alex's hips jerked in response.  
>"God, Liv."<br>Olivia wanted so badly to be inside of her, she positioned herself a little to the side of Alex and wet her fingers. Slowly she worked her way inside of the beautiful blonde. Suddenly, she thrust her middle finger deeply into Alex, curling it towards herself. Alex threw her head back, exposing her neck. She cried out a guttural cry, cursing without making any sense at all. Olivia continued to thrust deeply into Alex, she bit down on Alex's neck, and Alex could think of nothing else besides the pleasure coursing through her.  
>Nothing turned Olivia on more than making her lover feel this way. She wanted Alex to come, and although she knew it would happen soon with her fingers, she wanted it to be more powerful.<br>She lowered herself down Alex's body, keeping her finger inside, and kissing Alex's hip bone and stomach as she went. She thrust again deeply as her mouth closed down on Alex's clit. She flicked her tongue across it rapidly, knowing the vibration would have Alex coming in no time.

Alex cried out again as the beginnings of her orgasm hit her. She felt it deep in her belly, her toes curled inward, and she felt the first wave fall over her.  
>Olivia could feel Alex's muscles contract around her finger, and she watched Alex's face as pure ecstasy washed over her. When the final wave hit her, she let out one more gasp and Olivia removed her finger.<p>

Alex didn't wait for her body to cool down after she came, she pulled Olivia on top of her. Their legs fit together perfectly; Olivia's right leg was outside of Alex's legs and her left was in between them. Olivia held herself up with her arms. Alex couldn't help but run her hands along the muscles in Olivia's arms. She ground down on Alex's pelvic bone, pushing their clits together. Olivia was already close, she knew it wouldn't take much. Alex's hands made their way to Olivia's nipples, and she squeezed them both between her fingers. That was all it took for Olivia, she was gone. Her orgasm was powerful and her eyes closed as it coursed through her body. Her wetness spread to Alex and they were slick, sliding together as Olivia thrust against Alex once more to get all she could out of her climax.

Olivia collapsed against Alex's body and kissed her again. Olivia rolled off of her and lay on her side. She pulled Alex into her arms, Alex's back into Olivia's front. They fell asleep in each other arms, just like they always had.

Before Olivia opened her eyes the next morning, she remembered hazily the events of the night before. _Was it a dream? Was Alex really back?_  
>She opened her eyes and looked at the sleeping figure next to her.<br>_Of course not._  
>Agent Lauren Cooper stirred slightly and rolled over on her stomach.<p>

**A/N  
>-to answer Trinitydower's question: Lauren Cooper's character, as far as I know, is only on SVU. She just came around in season 9 in the episode called 'signature'.<br>-and for mini-olivia-benson, there's a little bit of alex for you. Sort of. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: BIG SPOILER FOR THE EPISODE SIGNATURE. ALSO HAS SOME GRISLY THEMES.**

Chapter 4

It was early the next morning, around 8 am, and Detective Lake sat in front of the computer. The people from technology had just given him the newly enhanced internet cafe surveillance video. He came in early to see if they were finished with it. He leaned back in his chair, stretching his back as the video played on his screen.  
>Captain Cragen passed by his desk and happened to see what he was working on.<p>

"You looking for the email sender?" he asked.  
>"Yeah. I'd like to congratulate the guy who took care of Larry Moore. He's better off dead and we're better off without him."<br>Cragen stopped walking towards his office and stared at Lake.

"You mean you don't think he should have stood trial? We should be OK with vigilantes taking care of justice for us?"  
>"No, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying the guy got what was coming to him."<br>"And what about the families? They don't get any restitution?"  
>Detective Lake shrugged his shoulders.<br>"This made the healing process that much faster for them."  
>Cragen just shook his head, not wanting to argue.<br>At that moment, Lake looked down at the screen. The time stamp was just minutes after the email was sent. A thin blonde with a baseball cap walked out of the cafe.

He froze. _Surely not,_ he thought. He grabbed the mouse, paused the video and rewound it. Cragen noticed his body language shift and came around to look at the screen.  
>"What do you have?"<br>"Tell me if you think this woman looks familiar."  
>"I can't tell," said Cragen, squinting at the computer. "Can you zoom in at all?"<br>Lake clicked his mouse and the blonde figure filled up the screen.  
>"Holy shit," said Cragen.<br>"It's Agent Cooper."

Olivia threw her jacket over her chair and stared at her desk. She ran her fingers through her short and still slightly damp hair.

She had just showered in the gym locker room. She left Lauren asleep in her bed that morning and drove to her gym. Trusting her to lock up the apartment when she left, Olivia left Lauren a note explaining where she went and that she would see Agent Cooper later at the squad room.  
>She needed badly to work off some aggression and frustration. It was like this every time someone slept over.<p>

Grabbing a jump rope, she warmed herself up and hung it back up after about five minutes of jumping. She did bench press and squats, pressing the weights until her muscles screamed at her for relief. She pulled a pair of kickboxing gloves out of her back pocket and put them on. This always made her feel better. She started off slow, making sure her muscles were ready to kick and punch. Then she struck the bag harder and harder, jabbing at it, giving it a hard right cross, a hook here and another punch there and she'd throw a round house kick every now and then for good measure. She took out her aggression on the bag. Angry that her life at this point wasn't going the way she had pictured several years ago after meeting and getting to know Alex, she punched the bag harder, exhausting her muscles.  
><em>That's better,<em> she thought as she made her way to the locker room and stripped her sweat soaked clothes off. She got into the shower, and she scrubbed herself to wash off the combined smell of sex and sweat. Lauren didn't smell like Alex anymore, and Olivia felt guilty and dirty having slept with her with thoughts of Alex still on her mind.

She sat down at her desk and took a deep breath.  
><em>Ok, now we've got to find Moore's murderer, even though the bastard deserved it.<em>

Cragen opened the door to his office and called out Olivia's name. When she looked up, he motioned for her to join him.

She walked into his office. Casey Novak sat in one of the chairs in front of Cragen's desk. Olivia sat down next to her and said hello.

Cragen took his seat and looked at Olivia.  
>"We've got some bad news."<br>Frowning, she glanced sideways at Casey.  
>"What's up?"<br>"Detective Lake enhanced the video on the internet cafe and he thinks he's found Moore's killer."  
>"Ok, so that's good news right?"<br>"Well, no." Cragen handed Olivia a printout screenshot of Lauren walking out of the café. "It's Agent Cooper."

Olivia's jaw dropped.  
>"What!"<br>"We were surprised too, Olivia," said Casey. "We've got Fin and Lake at her apartment looking for her right now."

"Surely there's another explanation for this. She plays by the rules! She wouldn't do this!"

"Olivia," Casey tried to reason.  
>Olivia shook her head, it seemed like she was trying more to convince herself than Cragen and Casey that Agent Cooper couldn't have done it.<br>"She executed Moore. She interfered with the law and didn't give him the benefit of due process."

Olivia again shook her head.  
>"How can you be so sure about this? You don't even know her."<br>Casey gave her a look.  
>"Neither do you," she said.<p>

She knew Novak was right. She just couldn't accept it, couldn't wrap her mind around it. She had just slept with a murderer. A cold-blooded killer.  
><em>In her defense, though,<em> thought Olivia, _Moore did murder 24 people. And Moore was the reason for Dr. Tillman's suicide. So she had good reason.  
><em>  
>Cragen tore her from her thoughts. "So Cooper sent us the email and had us fooled the whole time that she didn't know who the killer was. Now I want you to notify her commanding officer and interrogate her when Fin and Lake bring her in."<p>

"Umm. . . Captain. They shouldn't bother looking for her at her apartment."  
>He looked confused. "Why not? You know where she is?"<p>

"Yeah. She's at my apartment, still asleep probably."

Cragen and Casey both looked mildly surprised and realized that it wasn't an innocent sleepover when Olivia blushed.  
>"All right, I'll have Fin and Lake head over there."<p>

Olivia walked into the interrogation room, dropped a file onto the table and sat down across from Lauren, who was leaning, elbows on the table, with her head in her hands.

It hit the table with a SLAP, and Lauren jerked her head up. Knitting her fingers together, she looked across at Olivia.  
>"Hello, Olivia," she said with no emotion.<br>Olivia didn't say anything, she just looked into Lauren's eyes, searching for something, anything, a reason or a hint at whether or not she could have really murdered in cold blood.

She found nothing but a chilly blue stare.  
>"I woke up to a cold bed and the police knocking on your apartment door. That was a pleasant way to start my day."<br>Olivia looked down at her hands, feeling guilty about leaving Lauren that morning.  
>"Yeah. I'm sorry about that, Lauren. I had a lot on my mind."<br>"You mean you had Alex on your mind."  
>Olivia's eyes grew wide and her eyebrows went up in surprise.<br>"What do you mean?" she asked.  
>"Well besides the fact that you called me by her name while we fucked and then muttered it in the middle of the night as we slept, it's pretty obvious that you're still in love with her. It's everywhere. It's in the photographs you have of her all over your apartment and the chip you're carrying around on your shoulder. "<br>"What chip?" Olivia was suddenly defensive.  
>"The one that keeps you from loving anyone else."<br>"I don't have a chip. But I'm sorry if it came off that way."  
>Lauren let it slide.<br>"No need to apologize, Olivia. So. Let's get this started. You going to interrogate me now?"  
>"You know we have to wait for the FBI officer. It's standard procedure."<br>"I'll pass." said Lauren. "Ask me your questions."  
>"Did you send an email alerting the Parks Department about a dead dog?"<br>"I don't know how you want me to answer that."  
>"I want you to say no. But you can't, can you?"<p>

"It's a funny thing about people who confess in interrogation rooms. You must get a lot of confessions in here. They're always looking for absolution, aren't they?"  
>Olivia realized Lauren was purposely being unreasonable, so she played it safe.<br>"They want to be able to sleep at night. . . Can you sleep at night?" asked Olivia.  
>Lauren smiled her cold smile again and said, "I sleep just fine."<br>Growing tired of Lauren's vague answers, she cut to the chase.  
>"Did you murder Larry Moore?"<br>"I have the right to remain silent," she said.  
>"Was there a struggle? Did you two get into it and it ended badly? Did you panic and then cover it up?"<br>Lauren didn't answer.  
>"I'm trying to help you. What happens next, you control."<br>"Spare me," Lauren said, laughing, "you're executing a search warrant on my apartment right now."

Olivia got out of her chair and left the interrogation room. Cragen had his hands on the ledge; he was looking through the glass, staring at Lauren.

"So what do you think, Olivia ?"  
>"I don't know. I wish I could say I thought she didn't do it. But she's guilty. She's almost sociopathic."<br>"I agree with you. I don't see any remorse or any indication that she wants to prove her innocence. "

"You, Detective, are not a judge or a jury and have no authority to say whether she is guilty or not." said a voice from across the room.  
>Everyone looked in the direction of the voice and saw a tall, African American man with glasses walking towards them.<br>"I'm Agent Nickerson, Lauren's senior officer."  
>Cragen shook hands with him.<p>

Nickerson looked around the room. He nodded at the other people in the room, and his eyes landed on Olivia standing next to the one way glass.  
>"So it looks like we have a bad situation here."<br>"Yeah, it looks like one of your agents murdered Larry Moore." said Olivia, her disdain for the man and his FBI background obvious on her face.  
>"We'll see about that," he said. "But it does seem that you, Detective, were attempting to interrogate an FBI agent without a senior officer present."<br>"Actually, _sir_," she emphasized the word "sir". "I advised her to wait for you, but she kept talking. It was more of a conversation than an interrogation."  
>Agent Nickerson didn't look happy, but he said nothing.<br>"But now that you're here. Let's get started with the real interrogation."  
>With that she opened the door to the interrogation room and waited for him to enter. Once inside, Olivia sat down across from Lauren again and Nickerson stood near the wall, arms crossed, with a scowl on his face.<p>

Olivia leaned towards Lauren.  
>"So tell me, Agent Cooper, tell me about your relationship with Dr. Tillman."<br>Lauren flashed her another cold, calculating look. Only this time she had a hint of defensive anger in her eyes.  
>"I've already told you about that. He was my mentor."<br>"Are you sure about that?"  
>"Of course I'm sure, why would I lie about that?"<br>"Yes, why would you? Are you sure there wasn't something deeper between the two of you. Some deep infatuation maybe that you had with him?"  
>Lauren didn't react. <em>She's good,<em> thought Olivia. She hid her emotions, if there were any, deep inside and Olivia didn't have a clue as to what she was thinking.  
>She pushed harder, trying to evoke a response out of the icy woman.<br>"Lauren, why else would you get so worked up anytime someone mentions him or his work around you?"  
>"I've told you. Because he was my mentor and like a father to me."<br>"Ah, but I think there's something more. You wanted revenge for his suicide and you took your anger on Moore."  
>She looked bored and impassive.<br>"I think the only way you could have been provoked into doing that is if you had a more intimate relationship with him."  
>Lauren simply rolled her eyes, and agent Nickerson looked as if he had had just about enough of Benson's games.<p>

Just as he walked forward to stop the interview, a knock sounded on the door, and Detective Lake walked in. He was slightly out of breath and flushed.

Lake walked over to where Olivia sat and held out an evidence bag.  
>"I was just in Cooper's apartment with CSU. I found some interesting stuff in a spice jar of all places. Who keeps stuff like this anyway?" he added as an afterthought.<br>"What is it?" Olivia asked, picking up the bag and examining its contents.  
>"Believe it or not, they're bone fragments and a shell casing, matching the caliber of bullet used on Larry Moore."<br>"You're kidding," said Olivia.  
>"Nope."<br>Olivia looked over at Lauren, who had her arms crossed, gazing cooly at them. She stood up and said over her shoulder as she started out the door with Detective Lake, "you're going to need a lawyer. And a good one."  
>"Wait," Lauren said, standing up. "Let's do this by the regs. Procedure."<br>She turned her back to Olivia and allowed herself to be handcuffed.

Olivia couldn't believe it. _She's coming quietly?_ she thought to herself.

Once Agent Cooper was carted away to a holding cell and Agent Nickerson left, the SVU team congregated in the squad room.

"Ok, good work Lake," said Cragen nodding at him. "So now that we have evidence against Cooper, we're going to need the murder weapon. What do we know about it, Lake?"

" It's definitely not Cooper's standard issue gun. She's got a standard issue Glock, a .40 caliber. This bullet is a .45 caliber."

While the detectives rifled through some of Cooper's files, Casey was sitting in a spare chair near Olivia's desk. Olivia was going through Lauren's files, and Casey was preparing statements for court.

Just then, the DA came in the room. "Ms. Novak, I need to speak with you."  
>"Alright she said, stacking her papers and standing up. Let's go over here."<br>"What can I do for you, Lydia?"  
>"Casey, I'm going to have to take over this case from you."<br>Casey's mouth fell open.  
>"What? No! I'm perfectly capable of trying this case."<br>"That's just it Casey, I know how bull-headed you can be and I don't think going this direction is the best for anyone right now."  
>"This is ridiculous. So what are you going to do then?"<br>"I'm dropping the charges."  
>This time Casey look dumbfounded and enraged at the same time.<br>"And why would you feel the need to do that?"  
>"Casey, it's only because we don't believe you have enough evidence to prevent a jury from acquitting."<br>"There's still time, Lydia. And I think you're wrong. I can win with what I've got."  
>"I realize you believe that, Casey, and that's why I have to take over. Because you can't see outside the box. The jury is going to be sympathetic towards a person who got rid of a serial killer. A man who killed 24 women, in fact."<br>"So she's going to walk free. Just like that?"  
>Casey was livid. Her face was almost as red as her hair; she slammed her files on the nearest table and stalked towards the door.<br>Over her shoulder, she looked back at the DA and said, "We'll find some more evidence and I'll prove you wrong."  
>Lydia shook her head as she left.<p>

_That went well,_ she thought to herself.

Across the room at her desk, Olivia watched Casey storm off and figured something had happened with the case that she didn't like. She turned back to her files and continued to search.  
>Cragen walked out of his office and announced to the room, "People, I just got off the phone with my bosses at police headquarters. They would like us all to know the importance of finding some evidence. Not only are they fired up about the DA taking over this case..."<br>At this, everyone looked around at each other, realizing that this was what Casey was mad about.  
>"...but also, they are putting pressure on us to find something ASAP."<p>

He rubbed his hands together. "So where do we stand on the missing gun?"  
>Olivia rifled through some papers and held one up that she had found. "I've got some contact information here on Dr. Tillman. Looks like his wife is still around. Maybe we can ask her about guns that Lauren might have had."<p>

Olivia heard heels clacking down the hallway, and as she turned to see who it was, Casey came back in the room. She looked like she had walked off most of her anger. Her face wasn't nearly as red as it had been.  
>She straightened her jacket out and said to everyone, "All right, if we can find some evidence that will make Lauren confess, then she will plead out. She can plead her charges down to Man-2."<p>

Olivia didn't look satisfied. "Casey, ten years? That's too much. She doesn't deserve to stay in prison that long."  
>"Olivia, you're going to have to put aside any feelings you have towards her and recognize that she killed in cold blood."<br>Olivia's eyes flashed in anger.  
>"My personal feelings have nothing to do with the fact that Moore was a horrible, horrible man. You didn't see the tapes of what he did to those women."<br>Cragen stepped in between the two women who looked like they were about to strangle one another.  
>"Sorry to take sides, but I'm going to have to agree with Casey. We might have gotten to Amy sooner if it wasn't for Lauren playing games with us." He looked at Novak. "It's up to you Casey."<br>She shrugged her shoulders, "I'm not suggesting leniency, but we need some evidence to force her hand."  
>Lake shook his head, "Cooper's not the confessing type."<br>Huang paced the floor, "We have to profile the profiler. She did what any serial killer would do. She staged the crime scene and even took a trophy."  
>Casey smiled grimly, "Is there any chance she kept the gun?"<br>"It's got to be at the bottom of the Hudson," Lake said. "It's what I'd do."

Olivia looked up suddenly. "Well, maybe not. What weapons were registered to Dr. Tillman?"  
>She looked like she had had an epiphany.<br>"He had two," said Lake, "a government issue Glock and a Sig Saur .45."  
>"And what was the gun Tillman used to commit suicide with?"<br>"The .45. And after the investigation, it was returned to Tillman's widow."  
>"And the bullet used to kill Larry Moore was also a .45," said Cragen.<p>

Lake stood up, and he started to put on his jacket.  
>"All right then Liv, let's go ask her."<p>

Chester and Olivia took a sedan up to Crosby Street. Tillman's wife was cordial enough; she led them into her apartment. As she sat down on her couch, she asked "How can I help you detectives?"

"We just needed to ask you about your husband's off-duty weapon," said Olivia.  
>Mrs. Tillman gave them a knowing look and nodded her head. She looked apprehensive. "So this is about Lauren Cooper, isn't it? I gave it to her as a keepsake. My husband was like a father to her.<p>

"Ma'am," said Lake, "You need to come down to the station to make a formal statement."  
>She shot him another look. She was obviously not going to be bossed around. Olivia understood where she was coming from. <em>Years as a cop's wife will do that to you. Make you tough, you won't take crap from anyone.<em>  
>"I'm well aware of what you need young man, but you're not going to get it from me." She stirred her tea. "My husband obsessed over the Woodsman. It crushed him, every time the Woodsman killed again. He never would have let that bastard sit in a comfortable cell all his life. I guess Lauren felt the same way."<p>

Olivia knew that getting straight to the point with this woman would be the most productive tactic.  
>"Mrs. Tillman, did Lauren ever tell you she was planning to kill Larry Moore with that gun?"<br>"I won't lie," she said. "But I certainly won't help you put her away. Now please go."

Outside on the sidewalk, Olivia and Detective Lake walked side by side towards the car. She looked over the car at Lake as she spoke.  
>"We've got everything we need, the bullet that will match the ballistics report from Tillman's suicide, Tillman's widow's acknowledgement that Lauren had intentions of killing Moore, and we know that Lauren probably still has the gun. Let's bring her in."<br>"And we need to hurry. Tillman's wife is probably up there right now calling Cooper, giving her the heads up."

Olivia closed her fist and banged on the door to Lauren's apartment.  
>"Lauren, open up," she called out.<br>When no one answered the door, Lake figured that she had received the call from Tillman's wife and had deserted the apartment already.  
>"No, she's in there," said Olivia, knocking on the door again. She reached down and tried the handle. It was unlocked.<p>

Olivia stepped into the apartment. It was funky and neat, designed minimally. Somewhat similar to Olivia's apartment, it was obvious that Lauren didn't spend much time there. Lauren was seated at her desk in front of the window across the room. She looked as if she had been waiting for a while for them to come in.  
>Olivia immediately had a bad feeling begin to churn in her stomach. Lauren's badge and government-issue gun were sitting on the desk in front of her. Her hands were in her lap and she looked almost as if she was about to cry. It looked to Olivia like she was giving herself up, but something didn't feel right. It must have been that same cold look in Lauren's eyes. The empty one that gave her chills when she stared into Lauren's eyes. It was spooky to look at Lauren and see resemblances to Alex, but to also see the stark differences in the two women was startling. While Alex was caring and tender, Lauren was cold and distant.<p>

"Guess I'm going to jail. Proud of yourself?" she asked Olivia. Olivia walked slowly towards the seated woman, her gun drawn. She didn't trust Lauren not to grab the weapon and take a shot at either herself or Detective Lake. Lauren's mind was obviously not in a good place, and Olivia realized at that moment how little she actually knew about Lauren.

"I would have been proud to help you collar the man who murdered twenty-four women," said Olivia as she reached towards the gun.  
>"That's not good enough, said Lauren as Olivia grabbed the gun off the table. She held it behind her and Lake took it from her.<br>"Tell me, Olivia. How many dead babies have you stood over? How many rape victims? You can't tell me you never wanted to put your gun under the bastard's chin who raped a two-year-old."

Olivia's eyes filled with unshed tears as her mind took her back to memories she tried so hard to suppress every day. It was difficult to try and rid herself of the horrors she saw, but she coped. To have Lauren sit there and bring up what she had been through was too much.  
>But Olivia thought of her family. Not her mother or her so-called brother. Those two were never there for her when she needed them. Her family was the people of the 1-6. Stabler, Munch, Fin, Huang, Cragen. Those people meant the world to her, they were her real brothers, they were people she would lay her life down for.<p>

"Not me," she said to Lauren, "I have too much to lose."  
>Lauren gritted her teeth. She had a mix of emotions flash across her face. Bitterness, anger, regret.<br>"I don't," she said thickly.  
>"But Amy did," said Olivia, "You didn't think about her when you were murdering Larry Moore. You knew there was another victim. And you knew what he was doing to her."<br>"I did everything to save her! Even after I put the gun to his head, he wouldn't give it up!" she yelled.

"That's why you sent the email," said Olivia, comprehending.  
>"I needed help," her eyes pleaded with Olivia as she whispered it. "You have to believe me."<br>"I don't agree with what you did. But I understand it," said Olivia. "The DA will go easy on you. Just come with us back to the station."  
>Lake nodded his head in agreement.<br>"I'm sorry. I can't," said Lauren, looking at a spot on the floor. Her voice was void of emotion.  
>"Lauren, you have to take the deal. It's your way out."<br>"No," she said.  
>Olivia stepped closer. Her brow furrowed and she was perplexed.<br>"Why the hell not?" she asked.  
>"Look Olivia, you showed me a good time. But you've got demons hiding in that head of yours, and maybe you're better at keeping them in than I am. But deep down, you're pretty messed up too. You've got monsters to deal with," Lauren spoke slowly and deliberately now, making sure Olivia heard every word. "And those who fight monsters should make <em>damn<em> sure they don't become one."

Lauren made a sudden movement.  
>Lake recognized first that she had a weapon, but Olivia was stuck, frozen. "GUN!" he yelled as he raised his own weapon.<br>She pulled it from behind her back, and Olivia saw it happen but couldn't react.  
>If Lauren had wanted to shoot Olivia she would have succeeded, but that was not her intention. She pressed the cold black metal to her own temple and pulled the trigger. A shot rang out, and the world seemed to explode in sound.<p>

Olivia screamed and turned away from the sight of utter horror before her. She had witnessed some terrible things in her career. Bloody crime scenes disfigured bodies; and she had even killed several people when she had to. But she had never witnessed something like this.

Over the next several hours, she sat, slumped against a door frame near the entrance to Cooper's apartment as CSU techs processed the crime scene. The images burned in her mind would never leave her. This one hit close to home. Lauren's words right before she pulled out the gun hit close to home. She told Olivia that she had demons, monsters. It was true. Olivia struggled with her emotions and trying not to get too involved in her cases. But the job took so much out of her. It felt as if she gave part of her soul to each victim. She felt like she had given part of her soul to Lauren. She had slept with the woman and couldn't even recognize the signs of a suicidal and depressed person. Thinking back on the events leading up to the suicide, she realized the things she should have picked up on.

_It's too late now_, she thought, _to think of those things. Her cold, blank stares will probably haunt you forever, but it's too late now. _

She thought of Alex and willed her mind to take her away to someplace happier.

**A/N: Done with this for now. Hopefully I can write something with more happiness next time. . . But I guess in a lot of ways, the topics that pop up in this episode are important ones to talk about. Depression and suicide and guilt are scary things that people don't like to talk about.  
>Anyway, sorry the ending was sad. But that's how the episode Signature ended. A 'mind-blower', according to Bkwrmchar. <strong>

**Thank you for reading. Possible continuance, stay tuned!**


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